Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   zombies, vampires, gory scenes- neither of these scare me in a movie...but what is it about kids just humming along in a white room completely dissilussioned? Scares the s*** out of me!

   dear google, please stop acting like my girlfriend and finishing my sentences and guessing what i`m searching for

   I think at some point a switch flicks in the heads of parents. From "study, study, study" they go "marry, marry, marry".

   Buy a b!tch some high heels and she'll walk all over you in them.

   #fatgirlstrippernames: Dolores Umbridge... and now your life is scarred forever with that mental image.

   I wish some people's clothes were made of Touch Screen Material !! :0)

   Life is like a p*nis, it's short but it seems so long when it gets hard.

   This girl wrote on her status; "I Desperately Need A Boyfriend!" So I commented, “No you need some water coz you sound thirsty!” And now I am deleted.

   Just overheard two foodies debating the best way to make Thanksgiving gravy. It was like my ears were being waterboarded.

   The way I see it...if that Snooki character can be perceived as hot, we ALL have a shot at the same distorted perception.

   Today I'm thankful for Call of Duty, saving young girls virginity and ruining marriages since 2003.

   Just pushed out a fart that sounded like a toddler screaming into a kazoo

   The cheese I'm eating right now isn't very tasty. It feels good to share my feelings.

   This coffee isn't wariming me enough...I need a cup of lava!!

   mix in some vodka and call it a meal

   Being dead inside is sad but being dead outside is way sadder.

   I don't mind coming to work… but this 8 hours wait is bulls#$%

   Lets this be a warning...to all the kids with the pumped up kicks, you better run, better run, faster than my gun

   I took my ex Eileen to an orgy party one time, You should have seen the mess she was in when they started playing Dexy's midnight runners every 10min

   Ay, were dudes it's Sunday and our teams are playing, were gonna talk about football, you wanna make a good wife one day then get used to it