Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All day I've been getting calls from the number "1"... I finally answered it and NO ONE was there.

   They told me women likes edible undies, So far the only thing I've attracted with these edible undies is ants.....

   the difference between good and great in one word? Bacon...

   It takes everything I have to lie to your face and tell you I never loved you.

   Since nobody will admit to it, my son is the only proof that I've actually had sex.

   How do I get my android to stop taking pictures of my crotch everytime I achieve arousal?

   Guys, if she kicks your a$$ at pool and darts, she's probably not the marrying kind...

   b#tches are like Monday's - nobody likes them but everybody has to deal with them!

   too lazy to inform everyone that I am cleaning my friend list, so feel free to unfriend yourselves.

   "the govt doesn't want you to use YOUR drugs, they want you to use THEIR drugs

   One Flush: Courtesy. Two flushes: Don't go in there! Three flushes: run for your lives, she's gonna blow!

   Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.

   Being dead inside is sad but being dead outside is way sadder.

   I don't mind coming to work… but this 8 hours wait is bulls#$%

   Lets this be a warning...to all the kids with the pumped up kicks, you better run, better run, faster than my gun

   I took my ex Eileen to an orgy party one time, You should have seen the mess she was in when they started playing Dexy's midnight runners every 10min

   Ay, were dudes it's Sunday and our teams are playing, were gonna talk about football, you wanna make a good wife one day then get used to it

   I always wanted to be a comic. Not a stand up act...an actual comic. I wanna slap a blob of Silly Putty on myself and make a copy of me.

   The best thing about me is... I can be one of the guys an also one of the girls too!

   Before his wiener got seared off, Anakin Skywalker was an obsessive Master-Vader.