Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I started my new Kris Kristofferson diet this morning. A beer for breakfast and another one for desert .

   Apparently, Russia has the best hookers. I know where i'm going on vacation now.

   Brace yourself for pumpkin his and pumpkin that bull$hit

   Before I was born, I was given a choice between a big di*k, or a good memory. I don't remember what one I chose.

   Hey Donald, if Uncle Bill had sexually harassed Ivanka, would he still be a "good guy", or is it okay as long as you have lots of power over the victim.

   To everyone in the northern hemisphere, I apologize for the odious stenches emanating from my rear end this evening.

   ever look at somebodys feet and there toes look like Fritoes

   Alejandro Villanueva is a coward. He can stand up to the enemy on the battlefield, but he can't stand up to a bunch of whiny crybaby millionaires.

   I paid for my wife to have a breast reduction. The doctor goes, "Ah, she wants a loppatittyoffamee."

   We don't appreciate all these redneck, inbreeding stereotypes. Ain't that right, Uncle Dad?

   Trump: I was surprised to see they have a picture of me at the art gallery. Pence: Sir, that was a mirrow.

   You think you can hurt my feelings? I'm an overthinker. I hurt my own feelings.

   Iron Man is now a black teenage girl?!?! Here's hoping she makes suits for her friends and family to protect them from the police.

   1f y0u c4n r34d 7H15 7h3n c0n6r47ul4710n5! Y0u h4v3 D3pr35510n

   I love the poorly educated. Laughter would be scarce without them.

   The 400 lb man, who demanded flight attendants to wipe his butt has died. Good riddance.

   Made up Word of the Day: Dysfucktional.

   “I make it rain on them hoes.” - Clouds

   Two more victims have come forward in the BBC abuse scandal. They claim they were regularly fisted by elderly men on a weekly basis and then locked away after this abuse until the next week. Both Sooty and Sweep claim they where so traumatized it left the

   Single women, you know that dress you're thinking of wearing tonight? The really tight, short one? Throw it out.