Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   so poor I am having to layway my drugs and beer... 90 days from todays date the party is on!!!!

   says"why buy the cow when you can get milk for free?"

   I asked my 7 year old daughter if you could be anyone out of a story book who would you be and she said snow white. when I asked her why she said mommy what girl wouldn't want to kiss 7 tiny lil men good night

   Time for spring break!! *̡͌l̡*͡͡͡ ͡I _ ͇๐ےﮯ̡ *

   Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

   doesn't want to work. He wants to bang on da drum all day.

   He has the skin tone and the brain of a goldfish.

   I thought that noose around a mocked Obama's neck was funny too......

   Still waiting for Activision to come out with "Call of Duty" for Atari 2600

   Oh boy. Things are not looking good for the clown. See ya loser.

   Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away

   I refuse to go bungee jumping...I came into this world because of a broken rubber, I'm not leaving because of one!!

   Ok... I was thinking My wife has 988 friends on FaceBook and knows 15 of them in person I have only 66 BUT I know ALL of them......???

   The Dominos Pizza Tracker should always end with "Your New Chin, You Fat Piece of Sh!t".

   thinking about that chimp that tore that womans face off....but I gotta say chris browns attack really didnt leave rihanna that bad.

   The best advice I've ever seen on a sign was: "Familty Planning Use Rear Entrance"...

   We were sooooooo poor... we would eat beans for breakfast, water for lunch, then we'd swell up for dinner.

   I wonder if Facebook farmers have sex with their Farmville sheep, and 'like' it.

   If CVS and Walgreens sold gas, they would be perfect

   Me calling restaurant: Hi. Do you have tables or just booths? Restaurant: We have both. Is this for a handicapped person? Me: No..I'm just a fat f**k.