Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I thought that noose around a mocked Obama's neck was funny too......

   Still waiting for Activision to come out with "Call of Duty" for Atari 2600

   Oh boy. Things are not looking good for the clown. See ya loser.

   Me calling restaurant: Hi. Do you have tables or just booths? Restaurant: We have both. Is this for a handicapped person? Me: No..I'm just a fat f**k.

   If you die and wake up in hell, at least you know you did earth right!

   God put a woman in the bible and she ruined the whole book in the first chapter

   Ok... I was thinking My wife has 988 friends on FaceBook and knows 15 of them in person I have only 66 BUT I know ALL of them......???

   The Dominos Pizza Tracker should always end with "Your New Chin, You Fat Piece of Sh!t".

   thinking about that chimp that tore that womans face off....but I gotta say chris browns attack really didnt leave rihanna that bad.

   The best advice I've ever seen on a sign was: "Familty Planning Use Rear Entrance"...

   We were sooooooo poor... we would eat beans for breakfast, water for lunch, then we'd swell up for dinner.

   I wonder if Facebook farmers have sex with their Farmville sheep, and 'like' it.

   If CVS and Walgreens sold gas, they would be perfect

   Seat belts, aiding the view of cleavage since invention.

   Canadian Official Opposition Leader "lists" her house on Airbnb to help Canada's deficit. America wishes more Republicans in Washington would do that than always complaining about Obama's agenda.

   I checked out a book on time travel from the library. It's due last week.

   Whenever I go to a stripclub I piont at the most slutttiest girl and say, "Hey I know you.... I use to go to church with you!"

   Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away

   I refuse to go bungee jumping...I came into this world because of a broken rubber, I'm not leaving because of one!!

   Excuse me underccover police car, I like your 5 extra antennas...