Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Woman are born to be the best liars and (man)ipulate you through their sympathy strategies

   Ever want to smash someones face in with a jar of mayonnaise? I do all the time.

   Thinking about making fish flavored breath mints to tackle the lesbian market.

   Friend: Who r you going for in the Superbowl? Me: Um, the Superbowl was last weekend. Friend: Ya, but isn't there several? Me: No dude, there's only one.....i think your thinking of baseball...

   you make me feel like I can touch the planets, you want the moon girl, watch me grab it!

   Who decided to make it a 12 step program for A.A…I mean why steps…I think steps would be the last thing they'd wanna maneuver…

   That ackward moment when a beautiful woman is waving at you with enthusiasm, and, it turns out to someone behind you.

   My new girlfriend told me that her entire apartment was full of Monkees memorobilia. I thought she was exaggerating, but then I saw her place.

   The music band, Queen, said they misspoke on one of their song lyrics. They meant to say, We WON'T Rock You.

   If some of your citizens have lost faith in the flag and country, maybe you needs to try to find out why and address their grievances instead of trying to force them to respect the flag and love their country.

   Have you ever read a book or watched a movie that touched your soul so deeply it changed your entire outlook on life? I just took a dump like that….

   I was making love to Robert Pattinson for seven hours straight until security told me that Madam Tussuads was getting ready to close.

   I'm never disappointed. everything happens for a reason. I jus get pissed waiting to see what dat reason was exactly.

   its your birthday too today? well this is for christmas AND your bday !

   Private eyes....Are watching you....Listening to your every move....

   one wrong key stroke and my last status was "Due to a high phone bill I'm switching to Bondage".

   I dont do Drugs, I am Drugs

   Never play leapfrog with a unicorn!

   I eat because I'm depressed. I'm depressed because I eat.

   that a gun in ur pocket...or you just happy to see me? ;)P