Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Who decided to make it a 12 step program for A.A…I mean why steps…I think steps would be the last thing they'd wanna maneuver…

   That ackward moment when a beautiful woman is waving at you with enthusiasm, and, it turns out to someone behind you.

   so much for MONKEEing around ,R.I.P. Davey Jones. Cheer up Sleepy Jean. He took the last train to Clarksville ......and now I'm a bereaver

   Today, my girlfriend revealed to me that she has primeisodophobia. What is primeisodophobia, you may ask? Well, it's the fear of losing your virginity.

   Penn State lost last week. They must of played Karma.

   You know what's more disturbing than the tears of a clown? That would be the semen of a clown.

   Cleft chins are just face camel toes.

   ordered new smart phone tonight. my old phone has been with me for about 6 years. it was a good phone but its time to put him out to pasture...i will miss you lg env. you were my best phone ever... Goodbye Lttle Buddy!!.

   This day thirty years ago, I gave the old excuse "My underwear are!".

   Grades don't measure intelligence, and age doesn't define maturity.

   I'd sure like to "Up" a "Ton'' of something in Kate Upton.

   im gonna get a tattoo to make my pen!s look like a broom...my gf SUCKS at cleaning

   To the person who put those three stupid messages using my ID... Your m0m's 0rg@sm face looks scary...

   If some of your citizens have lost faith in the flag and country, maybe you needs to try to find out why and address their grievances instead of trying to force them to respect the flag and love their country.

   My new girlfriend told me that her entire apartment was full of Monkees memorobilia. I thought she was exaggerating, but then I saw her place.

   The music band, Queen, said they misspoke on one of their song lyrics. They meant to say, We WON'T Rock You.

   Have you ever read a book or watched a movie that touched your soul so deeply it changed your entire outlook on life? I just took a dump like that….

   Best one liner in 2022 so far: "What a moron...Jesus Christ!".

   When you are a kid, it makes you proud when someone says "Wow! You’ve gotten so big since I last saw you!" As an adult, not so much.

   Jesus is lord. Strangely enough he's also my coke dealer and gardener.