Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.

   You're like the abacus of people. No one counts on you anymore.

   If you cry all the time, you will save money on a tear drop tattoo.

   Consultants know 243 ways to make love and know no member of the opposite sex

   don't worry when you see your ex with someone else, because your parents taught you to give your old toys to the less fortunate

   Went from fallin' in love to drunk and fallin' apart

   and, liking - you liked your own status by yourself- your own status is like high fiving yourself in public.

   all of mankind can be divided in two groups: morning people and those who want to kill morning people...guess for which one I'm cleaning and loading my gun!

   I feel like I'm being brainwashed to be into liking soccer commercials....

   That moment when spurs get a 20 point lead and I got diarrhea.....

   Love is being willing to die for someone that you want to disfigure with acid, decapitate, and send through a wood chipper on a daily basis.

   life is just one big mess.....OCD people hate messes....therefore OCD people hate life

   I would totally sell your soul for a cup of coffee right now.

   I once shook hands with an arab and I have my hand to prove it

   when a woman asks if her dress makes her look fat, don’t respond. she’s probably asking her husband and you’ll make him know where you are hiding.

   it wrong to poke a friend with a facebook status of, "Ending it all, standing on the edge of a cliff?" Asking for a friend.

   None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because dogs can only bark.

   *spills beer on trick-or-treaters* No [hiccup] we're out of Snickers & Fun Dip & [hiccup] No Twix either. You want these seeded grapes or not?

   Inmates in Miami Beach can now tweet Justin Beiber and poke him on after his Face got booked!

   Excuse me but my Brain Has Too Many Tabs Open right now.