Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fact: The Cincinnati Zoo is not a petting zoo. Please don't get close and personal with the gorillas.

   Casper Wyoming considered a ghost town?

   illegally downloading a large torrent.......I mean buying some albums on I-Tunes

   I dont know what came over me! I felt so confident speaking Spanish today! AND TO MY SURPRISE, no f#cking one understood me. Shoking...

   A recent study determined the #1 reason couples divorce is because women are f#$%ing crazy!!

   One day there's gonna be a huge memorial dedicated to the people who sacrificed their lives to sit at a computer for the majority of their existence

   I got a discount on a bunch of Cardinal World Series shirts.. I save a lot of money and it wasn't on car insurance. . .

   When you’re about to quit, remember why you started, Unless its alcohol

   Confirmed: The spacecraft near Pluto has a NIKON camera

   Mike Vick has had better days in Leavenworth

   No one calls you promiscuous because you have more than one beer

   to anyone who spoils the movie, you'll feel my Han...Solo

   I think these wireless headphones my wife gave me might be earmuffs.

   What rock did you crawl out from under and are you going back soon?

   19 billions for whatsapp?! I bought it for $0.99 USD ... I guess the buying department has some justification to do

   just realised why my day has been full of people unable to express what they want, failing to consider anyone other than themselves and with unrealistic expectations. Happy International Women’s Day everyone.

   Note to self: Don't photobomb someone getting an MRI

   My ex asked me to buy her a birthday present. I bought her a coffin to let her know she is dead to me.

   Be generous with time! Use as much of it as you can by telling people to get the f cuk out of your face!

   If you tell me you're gonna "hop in the shower," I'll picture you naked, hopping around in the shower like an idiot.