Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I shared the status of the power ball winner. I won!!!!! Nothing....

   Let me stop you right there. You just made me think of a status.

   If you see a grown man swinging in a playground by himself you know you're about to die.

   Scream "I am worthy" until the stars collapse upon your brilliance.

   "As you get closer to the primary's reality has a way of intruding!" President Obama.

   Never purchase the trial size version of Colgate toothpaste and leave it on the bathroom counter next to your CVS Hemorroidal Cooling Gel. You may feel refreshed down below, but your breath smells like sh*t.

   I bet Jesus hates it that his birthday and Christmas are on the same day.

   Fact: The Cincinnati Zoo is not a petting zoo. Please don't get close and personal with the gorillas.

   Casper Wyoming considered a ghost town?

   illegally downloading a large torrent.......I mean buying some albums on I-Tunes

   I dont know what came over me! I felt so confident speaking Spanish today! AND TO MY SURPRISE, no f#cking one understood me. Shoking...

   A recent study determined the #1 reason couples divorce is because women are f#$%ing crazy!!

   One day there's gonna be a huge memorial dedicated to the people who sacrificed their lives to sit at a computer for the majority of their existence

   I got a discount on a bunch of Cardinal World Series shirts.. I save a lot of money and it wasn't on car insurance. . .

   When you’re about to quit, remember why you started, Unless its alcohol

   Confirmed: The spacecraft near Pluto has a NIKON camera

   Mike Vick has had better days in Leavenworth

   No one calls you promiscuous because you have more than one beer

   to anyone who spoils the movie, you'll feel my Han...Solo

   I think these wireless headphones my wife gave me might be earmuffs.