Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup,,, and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever.

   Keep your friends close & your enemies, in your trunk.. Unless you're crossing the border.. Then don't do that

   Your kid may be an honor student but you’re still an idiot,,,,,, This needs to be a bumper sticker.

   My old fish didn't move around in her bowl all day. I hought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.

   Lord, it's me... Can you close your eyes for a couple minutes while I deal with a slight problem?

   Drank two pitchers of mojitos and didn't post a photo of it... Yes,,, it IS actually possible do that.

   And the award for best neckwear goes to....... Hmmm,, Well would you look at that, it's a tie

   I took two foreign languages in high school,,,, Spanish and math.

   Speed walkers look like they're constantly auditioning for a diarrhea commercial

   I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.

   The one where Scooby doo dies in the van because Fred forgot to crack a window.

   Hello? Poison control? I need some help. Bret Michaels is in my house and he won't leave.

   Today's Horoscope: You're gullible.

   Adele's new album should come with a coupon for Ben & Jerry's.

   Why hasn't Head and Shoulders shampoo come out with a body wash called "Knees and Toes" ?

   Earlier today Donald Trump crashed his yacht into my yacht... We laughed & laughed,,,, & then we smoked some money

   Ugghhh ! I literaly just saw a chicken cross the road in front of my car,,, and FORGOT to stop and ask him why......... (Stupid,stupid,stupid,me)

   The inventor of the Hokey Pokey died today. Trying to get him in the coffin was a nightmare... They put the left leg in....................

   Every time I post,, I get a rush like I'm releasing a little animal into the wild... A hideous, deformed animal that no one will ever love...

   I had my Crayola guy re-run the numbers,,, and there's only 36 shades of grey