Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   confusion spawns from not being honest with yourself and true to your own feelings. Now get your head out of your ass!

   Getting a lot of nice things said to me lately. I don't believe a word of it.

   zombies can't smell vampires...

   I am tying the legs together keeps the inside moist...

   I never worry about a girlfriend cheating,.. It's how much bigger there boyfriend might be that scares me."

   the moment when you realize that you've been singing the wrong words to a song usually happens when everyone is singing aloud in a car. kills the song and the moment.

   It's taken me this long to realize "Eurozone Crisis" wasn't referring to a woman's underarm area.

   When you're in the car alone everyone outside is a serial killer.

   V@gina is my weapon of choice.

   I don't like the way water looks at me. I think it's jealous of my relationship with alcohol.

   Sometimes I ask her a question when I already have the info just to see if she lies. Then she shows why I can't trust her.

   When you're in public and your nuts itch!!

   Women never shut up...Especially during sex.

   I don't want a baby because they're way too lazy.

   Anyone wonder why Internet explorer 9 has commercials? When it comes with every computer anyway, and its free to download?

   Girl in nothing but a t shirt-hot! Dude in nothing but a t shirt-perv...

   Husband during anniversary dinner, "I love you so much, let's go do it in the alley. I'll give you $30."

   Facebook stock down 4.20 today... coincidence?

   During exams, students look up for inspiration, down in desperation, and left and right for information.

   this girl I met in the bar the other night warned me that she isnt into one night stands...I told her to relax as I'm not into that myself- I said I only do it sitting or lying down