Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If the shoe fits, don't just wear it, strut that s hit b itch.

   Happy couples are annoying and disgusting, I hope me and my girlfriend never get happy.

   She say I drive her crazy, well that makes sense coz I am a crazy driver.

   I never bring a knife to a fight. I bring my brain. It's much sharper.

   When I go to the grocery store I pretend like I'm putting together a jigsaw puzzle of what I would like the inside of my fridge to look like

   This guy behind me in the security line is looking at me like that fart was mine for sure

   wanna have something hidden forever? Give it to your wife

   Why can we only bet on horses, why can't we bet on two-bit hookers being chased by knife wielding rabbis? I'd bet on that shi t.

   Don't just love me, be in love with me & show me true happiness; after all, we've got to make it worth the forthcoming heartbreak.

   I don't like it when peoples toes look too fat for their toe nails. Sick.

   missing the days when he talked in third person...

   We'll take your Prime Minister and Chancellor, only if you also take Justin Beaver, lil wayne witha side of Taylor Swifter

   I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I am over it now.

   I can hardly wait for asparagus season! The red and green colors in the toilet remind me of Christmas ツ

   Facebook...making people argue about their posts/photos since 2004...

   Toys R Us sells toys. Bikes R Us sells bikes. Imagine my disappointment when I went next door to Babies R Us

   So is PMS also called "game of hormones"?

   Out of all the Socially Transmitted Diseases out there, I have Instagram is my favorite.

   Your attitude was so bad I decided to make it goo by giving you a double standing ovation..... with both my middle fingers

   dear Myans, its ok to be wrong...its not like its the end of the world