Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why can we only bet on horses, why can't we bet on two-bit hookers being chased by knife wielding rabbis? I'd bet on that shi t.

   Don't just love me, be in love with me & show me true happiness; after all, we've got to make it worth the forthcoming heartbreak.

   I don't like it when peoples toes look too fat for their toe nails. Sick.

   missing the days when he talked in third person...

   We'll take your Prime Minister and Chancellor, only if you also take Justin Beaver, lil wayne witha side of Taylor Swifter

   I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I am over it now.

   I can hardly wait for asparagus season! The red and green colors in the toilet remind me of Christmas ツ

   Facebook...making people argue about their posts/photos since 2004...

   Toys R Us sells toys. Bikes R Us sells bikes. Imagine my disappointment when I went next door to Babies R Us

   So is PMS also called "game of hormones"?

   Out of all the Socially Transmitted Diseases out there, I have Instagram is my favorite.

   Your attitude was so bad I decided to make it goo by giving you a double standing ovation..... with both my middle fingers

   dear Myans, its ok to be wrong...its not like its the end of the world

   Fire can be a faithful servant, like when cooking S'mores or raining down on 'Charlie'... ~~ Seymour Skinner

   I seem to spend a lot more time pooping than most people. So my question is, what’s wrong with y’all??

   Future Perfect Present Tense

   since none of the "alledged" steriod users got in the baseball HOF, now may not be the best time to come clean Lance...

   So if a tree falls down in the forest...does Manti Teo believe Junior Seau is dead

   Veni, vidi, illud purgatur Translation. I came, I saw, I Cleaned it up.

   my brain is like a prison....has all those cells & they dont all get used all the time