Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm glad we have a Space Force rather than a pandemic response team.

   Wouldn't recommend hanging up mistletoe at the office this year.

   when Catholics do that ‘head, shoulder, knees and toes’ thing then fool everyone they’ve prayed.

   how can Ted Cruz be elected to a job as a law maker when he can't read & understand the law ghat says you have to be born in the US to become President?

   The best thing that Donald Trumb did was fired himself.

   My mom thinks LOL stands for "lots of love" and texted me "Your Grandma just died. LOL."

   if a slave was born into a plantation and knew nothing of the outside world, he would not call it hopeless because it's all he knows. perhaps this propagated system of "democracy" is all you know

   Lazy Rule #15: Be sure your woman is trained to bring a sandwich after going to pound town.

   I am confused did Roethlisberger hurt his arm playing football or rap!ng somebody?

   Don't look down and be depressed. Look up and you will be blessed.

   I hit the 5,000 friends mark today. Which isn't bad, until you realize that I've been on facebook since 1872.

   Lol ......Prescription drugs are killing everybody not street drugs wake up people

   Diamonds are a girls best friend. They last forever. Dogs are a mans best friend. They age faster than humans and lick their own ass! Any questions??

   swears I would loose my head if it wasn't attached to my body!

   One time a bird dropped some mac & cheese on my windshield. Initially I thought "Are you kidding me?!" but once I understood that this was in fact a magical dinner suggestion from God, all was right with the world once again.

   thinks drunk driving would be cut in half if people didn't do borderline gay sh*t to you when ur passed out.

   thinks drunk driving would be cut in half if people didn't do borderline gay sh*t to you when ur passed out.

   nickname is shower,turn me on & I will make you very wet

   contributing to global warming by breathing as he rides his bike to school...some conservationist!

   Was at a pet store when a gerbil went "WOOF", then I noticed a gay guy behind me!!