Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Doctor, I think I'm a deck of cards!" The doctor says, "Sit in the waiting room, I'll deal with you later."

   smoking probable cause :D

   My new checks all have trampolines on them. Just so bill collectors know they may bounce!

   don't call the RSPCA if your boyfriend sends you the text 'i want to kick your puppy'......he's just using predictive text

   Why is it that every gal i'm in touch with these days is so sh*t fo brains??i mean, god,please,get 'Some'body with even half f it. . fine,make her ugly as hell but pls,'Some' brains atleast? beauty and brains don't go together at all,I know now. . . :/

   A hurricane is the only way to wash away the pain

   We've got to give a little love, have a little hope, make this world a little better.!

   Went a week without taking a selfie. Where's my Medal of Honor, Obama?

   Today a homeless man stuck a hand out at me and said 'spare change'His hand was empty, I think the pr!ck was teasing me, so I took his dog

   My milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard and they’re like, hey who is your hot friend.

   Some of you are funny,some poetic,some angry,some horny,some drunk,some in love,some lonely,some crazy,some too-good-to-be-true. I <3 you all.

   ʎןıɯɐɟ & spuǝıɹɟ ʞooqǝɔɐɟ ʎɯ ¡¡¡ɐıןɐɹʇsnɐ ɯoɹɟ sbuıʇǝǝɹb

   If Godzilla ever goes on a rampage in Florida, I would move to Lego Lan. Because nobody likes stepping on a Lego #GodzillaKryptonite

   Possible post if Facebook was around in 1968) Busy day today. Me and my cousin rode are bikes all over town. Later we went fishing and after that played some basketball , don't text us we don't have a cell phone............

   Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call

   Sometimes I hump my wife to Bon Jovi

   I got to work late this morning, so I guess I'll have to leave early to make up for it.

   Of course I said NO but I totally meant YES, idiot. ~Women

   X says Falling in love is like jumping off a very tall building. Your brain tells you - it's not damn a good idea, while your heart tells you - you can fly.

   I guess Paul Ryan won't be cheering for my Relay for Life team...