Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering if the last one out could possibly switch off the light at the end of the tunnel?

   dont waste ur breth on me sweetie, ull have2 blow up ur date later.

   Men are like place mats. They only show up when there's food on the table.

   Wen you smile the world smiles with u.wen ur down people will rally behind u.but wen you fart you r alone coz people will never stand by u!

   I'm Starving....well obviously not in a third world kind of way.....

   Arizona is the only state in the US that does not observe daylight savings time or the 5th of May. (Cinco de Mayo) Today is May 4th part 2.

   The U.N. is trying to outlaw the use of lol since it is the international symbol for a drowning person.

   PAUL the octopus is correct yet again!!! Spain are the crowned Champions!

   Humans will die out. We're weak. Dinosaurs survived on rotten flesh. You got diarrhea last week from a Wendy's

   Wonders if Prince Albert is aware of the piercing that is named after him?

   Attention all teens get off facebook nd look 4 a job nd stop waitin for facebook to get you one

   i don't always drink beer but when I do I prefer to get wasted

   is You do realixe that by taking the time to read this status update you have just waisted like 30 seconds of your life. Pressing the 'Like" button will make it 31.

   three strikes in Wii bowling I got a turkey :D Happy Thanksgiving Me.

   The American military now have so many warships that they're running out of patriotic and nostalgic names to call them. This culminates next month in the launch of the USS Fonzie."

   My Asian friend ordered a Crown and Coke but I hired a clown to do blow with him because I knew what he meant.

   I can't believe Lou Gehrig's parents named him after a DISEASE

   GOVERNMENT ADVICE When travelling in extreme weather conditions everyone to take with them, a bottle of water, some energy bars, a shovel, a hazard light and a blanket. I looked a right twat on the train this morning.

   proofreading can save your life... I sent a text from New Orleans to my wife that should have read, "Havin a blast, wish you were here". But instead it read, "Havin a blast, wish you were her".

   OH my god!!!!! are you crying ?!!!! no I`m impersonating a fountain. j