Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   life is too short to be spent pondering eternity

   says they're giving up to $1000 for a human guinea pig at the University science dept!....(twitch)..I did it last time and I'm just fine......(twitch)

   decided to judge a book by it's cover.. because sometimes they turn out to be pretty good =)

   wondering if Shaq has my back, how come he never pays my cable bill?

   Dont say i'm a "law abiding citizen" to the deputy who pulled you over with katt williams

   Important Notice, if you notice this notice you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing

   at his mom's house and saw a can that said "mixed nuts". It was the family urn.

   I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives. I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished, so I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bott

   typed "X-men" into a google image search and didn't quite get the result I wanted.... Who the heck is this Wolvarine guy anyway?

   you know ur ugly when ur body gets more likes than ur face...............

   Frank's Red hot & Oral Sex...Ya I put that $hit on everything....

   in the stickiest situation ive been stuck in since Sticky the stick insect got stuck on a sticky bun.

   Because I was born in the 90s I have, so far, lived through 3 decades, 2 centuries and 2 millenniums and I am yet to be 20!

   For the people who believe in this Rapture nonsense. Here's some information that will shock your gullible mind. In new Zealand it is now: Saturday May 21 and the current time is 7:42 AM ...havent heard anything from them yet.

   I'm bad with stains. Does anyone know how to get fat out from under a t-shirt?

   That awkward moment when you and the girl you just met ran out of things to talk.

   NO....Anthony Weiner did not tweet a pic of his weiner....he forward one of Clinton's from Monica's view!!

   if I knit you a sweater, Computer, will you stop freezing?

   I went outside once.... The animation was alright, but the characters and story line sucked.

   Hey K-Mac you dumbass. People walking across the street have the right away. Damn teenagers