Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A world where your intellect is measured by 'Followers' and 'Likes'.

   The way these kids are growing up now a days.. I'm scared for the future of society.. We're all going to Hell in a Handbag!

   *Steps outside house* *Sees some people* *Rushes back in*

   If the first thing you see after you die is a handbasket, check your undershorts for kerosene.

   To all of you expecting Mothers.....happy Labor Day.....

   Remember, today is the first day of the rest of your life so don't be that person that uses stupid cliche's. That's what I'm sayin! You know what I mean??

   My ex-step mom was so lazy I bought a black Snuggie for funerals.

   Point.. Wink.. Shoot finger gun.. Blow smoke from tip of finger gun.. Wipe prints off finger gun.. Bury finger gun where no one can find it.

   The best way to deliver bad news is a message frosted onto a cake. "You want a divorce?!" "Yeah, and a slice with a flower on it."

   This guy across the street does nothing but baby his car. OCD. Obsessive Car Detailing.

   I was ready to "chow down" at Burger King tonight until I heard their derelict employees have been using the lettuce for a foot bath. :/

   Silver for Phelps : ( Someone should have taped a blunt to the other end of the pool, then he would have won the gold.

   Curiosity killed the cat, but Satisfaction brought her back!

   4/21...Happy Surprise Random Drug Test Day.

   Have you ever sat next to someone who smelled so good you couldn't stop licking there neck? Sorry dude take it as a compliment geez!

   The new legal DUI limit is .05, but if you're dyslexic, the limit is 50.

   I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS

   Thanks to Hollywood any Italian person dying will always first be suspicious.

   How exciting a threesome!!!! Time to give my pillows some head,my sheets some booty,and my bed is about to get laid.

   There’s plenty of fish in the sea, but who wants to date a fish. . .