Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   4/21...Happy Surprise Random Drug Test Day.

   Have you ever sat next to someone who smelled so good you couldn't stop licking there neck? Sorry dude take it as a compliment geez!

   The new legal DUI limit is .05, but if you're dyslexic, the limit is 50.

   I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS

   Thanks to Hollywood any Italian person dying will always first be suspicious.

   How exciting a threesome!!!! Time to give my pillows some head,my sheets some booty,and my bed is about to get laid.

   There’s plenty of fish in the sea, but who wants to date a fish. . .

   so, you graduated from the school of hard knocks? Wow, very impressive...can I sleep with you??

   I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy

   Just realized that with all this ice lately, technically I'm walking on water too, so take that Jesus!

   it's about time the majority of those people who opposed Marijuana have finally died. . .

   Miley Cyrus I'll with allergic reaction:-CNN.. CNN, dude.. who cares about her?

   important status announcement - bacon sandwiches

   if someone is bipolar & bisexual, are they a "quad"?

   ♫♫♫♫♫ The sounds of violence ♫♫♫♫♫

   My buddy only has one ball so when he sexts his GF he uses 4===D.

   Could someone introduce Beiber to Casey Kasem?

   I am hoping on game of thrones when Daenerys Targaryen's dragons get older they magically turn into Puff and it all goes cartoon.

   My dad gets drunk sometimes and tells my sister and I really hurtful things like “I wish I had a son”.

   Neighbor - n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient.