Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A Model you say?...More like a photogenic slut...

   i'm gonna quit thankgiving cold turkey.

   I won't laugh in the face of danger but I will stick my my tongue out at the back of it's head...

   With all the crap you write, you should be surprised when you get followers not when you lose them.

   Are you freaking kidding me!!! These replacement refs are a bigger joke than John L. Smith...

   I hate to imagine the drinks served at a party in your pants.

   thinks that you're an X-Large fruit basket.

   I wasn't sure that I was hungry enough to eat a whole pizza, so I sliced it into six pieces instead of eight.

   Get Twisted...Happy National Pretzel Day!

   it’s 2013, why does google maps not have a Parkour option? pretty sure I could get to that Burger King in 90 seconds with Parkour moves

   If worse comes to worst you can always get her a glass of Mother’s Day water.

   Just throw a J in front of the KKK and no one will take them serious.

   Move away from the coffee pot and no one gets hurt.

   I like a girl who leaves things to the imagination, like what her natural hair colour is and whether or not she loves me back.

   it just me or does it seem like giving my last four digits of my social security is alot easier for others to remember instead of the whole number

   I guess there's some kind of driving contest going on in Florida...

   If I find out that my soulmate is dead, I’m going to be pissed off that I didn’t have a chance to be the reason she drank herself to death.

   This Repressed Childhood Memory Foam mattress isn't providing any kind of comfort.

   "That's not what I meant" - people who meant it that way but realized they're wrong

   Actually, my ancestors are from the County just down the road from County Cork. Perhaps you've heard of County Screw Top?