Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Work is really getting in the way of me going home and drinking wine in my underwear.

   I just got a great deal on a dairy cow. It's lactose intolerant.

   Dude how broncos are you?

   I just saw a man reading a book, so I'm basically an archeologist now.

   Silence is the last refuge.

   Imagine us on a date. Wrong. You're on fire.

   I've never watched the World Cup to actually watch soccer. I watch it for the fans that riots after their team loses.

   It's not love if you're sober.

   I don't even think the fat lady knows how to sing

   Your life sounds very interesting. Tell me more about your dog.

   Have you tried being more dramatic? Maybe that will work.

   Sorry I can't make it to your event. I came down with a bad case of I hate you.

   The ice cream truck in my neighbourhood plays Helter Skelter

   50 Cent OR Floyd Mayweather Jnr - Let see which side Justin Beaver will choose

   I was wondering if Nik Wallenda gets ordered to walk a straight line when he gets pulled over for suspicion of drinking and driving?

   Report: Buffalo is running out of beer...guys we are basically district 12 from the hunger games...the end is ne

   Waiter I'll tell you the same thing I told my plastic surgeon - give me crab legs.

   This is the only way I know how to correctly usea semi-colon ;)

   The way to a man's heart is through the kitchen.

   My safe word is "the c0ndom broke".