Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't know understand what the big deal is about those Halloween movies. A plot that centers around the actor that played Austin Powers , Shrek and Wayne Cambpell going around killing people doesn't sound scary to me.

   why am I the only one on chat and everybody posting ever 2 minutes??

   its all fun and games till you get tape on your face.

   I know I am good,but I can be better!

   "Same Sh*t different day" doesn't describe the day. It describes your life.

   I've been to WI, I think that farmers only .com is being very generous with how many hit farmers daughters there are

   over weight & a drug problem? New hitting the streets diet coke

   "Ham-fisted" sounds glorious to some.

   Today at crossfit, we had to spoon wild mountain lions.

   Today is . . . the tomorrow you thought about yesterday you lazy fcuk

   If anybody out there is in quarantine right now, can I come over?

   I have no problem getting S3X...the tough part is deciding which hand to use.

   Lindsey Vonn starts at the top and ends up on the bottom.....so, apparently, does Tiger

   The sound a zipper makes is my Pavlovian trigger.

   You’re dry humping my last nerve.

   Name your kid Basil and see what happens. BEST case scenario, he spend hours a day updating Wikipedia.

   and you feel they are being discriminatory, you give us a call and we’ll be right over with signs and bullhorns to protest their protest. We can even have a slogan: “Hey you, Stop that!”

   I'm was doing Bikram yoga today. By that I mean I was in the back of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to vacuum under the front passenger seat.

   Well I guess if a prison system and busting people self medicating because they can't afford to go to the doctor is what keeps McDonald's on the table, what's a body to do?

   The best thing about being empty inside is that there's more room for Taco Bell.