Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How Am I suppost to keep up this "Dreamy Hair",,, With wind's like this? LOL!

   I did the dishes, baby. And don’t worry I only broke 37 of them. Oh I did the laundry too. You wanted the whites pink now, right?

   That annoying moment when a package says "easy open" and you need scissors, a knife, a gun, and a lightsaber just to open it.

   this beer sure tastes like Saturday!!

   Thyme flies when you forcefully knock over the spice rack.

   Ok duffus.. If your going to text me with a sexy message, try to get my name right!

   if the answer was "windows 95", how stupid was the question?

   I hate those see through elevators because that's my damn time to pick my nose in private.

   If she really loves her cat, then that's who's making the most important decisions in her life.

   this just in: Quiting smoking increases your lifespan. Also, beer is delicious!

   Nudes are often ppl you do not want to see naked at all.

   Good news...I got my power back! No, not my electricity, my invisibility. You look nice tonight.

   I love you too much to avenge what you did to me.

   I need more space in my heart for all this pain!

   i time traveled tonight without using a DeLorean

   A Model you say?...More like a photogenic slut...

   i'm gonna quit thankgiving cold turkey.

   I won't laugh in the face of danger but I will stick my my tongue out at the back of it's head...

   With all the crap you write, you should be surprised when you get followers not when you lose them.

   Are you freaking kidding me!!! These replacement refs are a bigger joke than John L. Smith...