Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Trump was missing from Miss Universe contest. Did El Chapo's escape have anything to do with it, being a mexican? 
If the zombie apocalypse ever happens I'm just going to surround my house with outward facing treadmills... I should be fine.
I guess God can only do bad things to the earth when the earth passes between the sun and the moon.
Dude, it's just another Friday. I would expect the religious ppl to be at work on time as well.
I don't know why they don't just call iPhone chargers Apple Juice
Someone who unplugs your phone at 3% to charge theirs at 97% is capable of killing you.
It was so hot on the East coast that Cheney shot a lawyer with a super soaker.
Found an industrial size combo pack of Mop-N-Glo and Mr. Clean for my wife for Christmas.
Dont send me no questions to my inbox...Cuz I aint answering them...I aint yo Magic 8-ball...
looking forward to the family tradition of listening to the UK's No 1 after Xmas dinner. Can't wait to see the look on my mum's face!
Avatar = Awesome. I wish the whole world was in 3D!!!
(asks: How much money do you have?) Let me put it this way...Last time I made a deposit at the bank..I got a standing ovation!
thinks that Hitler has a lot to answer for- not so much the genoside - mass murdering- god complex- and many other stuff! But also the fact that little stubby tashes can never be fashionable! Ive just tried - it'd suit me ;-)
typing up a letter to the producers of "Unsolved Mysteries"...maybe they can figure out how many damn licks it takes to get to the center of a damn Tootsie Pop!!!!
Subway uses the slogan "eat fresh"...it makes me wonder if the other restaurants are fresh too because they don't say they are
I hate females like this: "I'ma slap that b*tch when I see her, she got me f*cked up!" *girl walks past.* "She lucky she ain't look my way."
Honey the only reason I'll ever kick you out if bed is to Feck you in the floor.
Why did the snowman smile? Cause the snowblower was coming.
Love you ALL!!! Yes even you, you twisted little duck lipped 18 year old friend of my daughter...
The first thing I thought of was that a bruins game had gotten out of hand 