Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Found an industrial size combo pack of Mop-N-Glo and Mr. Clean for my wife for Christmas.

   Dont send me no questions to my inbox...Cuz I aint answering them...I aint yo Magic 8-ball...

   looking forward to the family tradition of listening to the UK's No 1 after Xmas dinner. Can't wait to see the look on my mum's face!

   Avatar = Awesome. I wish the whole world was in 3D!!!

   (asks: How much money do you have?) Let me put it this way...Last time I made a deposit at the bank..I got a standing ovation!

   thinks that Hitler has a lot to answer for- not so much the genoside - mass murdering- god complex- and many other stuff! But also the fact that little stubby tashes can never be fashionable! Ive just tried - it'd suit me ;-)

   It was so hot on the East coast that Cheney shot a lawyer with a super soaker.

   Subway uses the slogan "eat fresh"...it makes me wonder if the other restaurants are fresh too because they don't say they are

   I hate females like this: "I'ma slap that b*tch when I see her, she got me f*cked up!" *girl walks past.* "She lucky she ain't look my way."

   Honey the only reason I'll ever kick you out if bed is to Feck you in the floor.

   Why did the snowman smile? Cause the snowblower was coming.

   Love you ALL!!! Yes even you, you twisted little duck lipped 18 year old friend of my daughter...

   The first thing I thought of was that a bruins game had gotten out of hand

   Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.

   1.- Open YouTube website 2.-Type "do the Harlem Shake" and click search 3.-Don't click anything just wait and see what happens lol

   I hope he buys you flour, I hope he greases your pan.

   I finally got a new prophetic leg... I'm starting physical therapy on Monday.... Also Courteney Cox dies while parasailing next May...

   If it smells like fish, it's a tasty dish...if it smells like cologne, leave it alone.

   Hey ladies, if a guy ever texted you the heart emoticon, chances are he also fantasizes about your brother.

   Just checked the burgers in the fridge.... And they're off.....