Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Daughter - IPod. Son - IPhone. Mom - iPad. Dad - I Pay.-_-

   got his girlfriend pregnant .gotcha b!tch :)

   Anyone who thinks Donald Trump represents God has a very low opinion of God.

   I make jokes about being out of shape because it's soooo much easier than going to the gym.

   “Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.

   If I could be anything in the world I would want to be a teardrop because I would be born in your eyes, live on your cheeks, and die on your lips.

   Good thing Obama cancelled the joint military exercise with Egypt next month. I'm sure that will teach the Egyptian army a lesson!

   The rest of the world loves soccer. Surely we must be missing something. Uh, isn't that what the Russians told us about communism? Soccer blows.

   All I want for Christmas is for my wife to swallow my egg nog one time!

   Hello world

   Party at my house on July 4th., just bring the beer, meat and veggies. I got the plates.

   why didn't you discuss paymet of the wall Mr Trump? SOFTENING!

   Prison guards and security are just a waste of money. All prisons only needs walls.

   Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?

   Why is it said that an alarm clock is going off when really it's coming on?

   My brother-in-law likes to brag how he always eats right, exercises, doesn't smoke or drink, sees his doctor every year for a checkup etc. I told him that someday he is going to look awful stupid lying in a hospital dying from nothing.

   "faithbook" -Mike Tyson "Racebook?" -Scooby Doo "....." -Whitney Houston

   ate too many easter eggs...now I got the squirts!!

   FB a place where you can quote anyone at anytime without any reprecussions at all !!! Abraham Lincoln

   I love a good hardy dump in the morning time....I can't stand a tiny turd tease...makes me feel like an underachiever