Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Redneck word of the day, Obama……I bought me a case of beer but I drank it Obama self.

   I think I must be a closet obama lover because... My girl says I can never do anything right.

   JUST MADE A TEAR GAS FROM BAKED BEANS AND ONIONS..

   A text from my mate : "I'm guaranteed to shag the missus up the bum this weekend. She's dyslexic and think's it's Vaseline's Day."

   Got a call from my mum. She wanted help with her jigsaw puzzle. I said "Sure thing,just look at picture on the front of the box.". "Its not helping"she said. "Its just a stupid rooster!" "Mum,you daft cow" said. "Just put the cornflakes back in the box."

   I trust CNN about as far as I can throw MSNBC.

   attention walmart customers, obama has officially declared that the drug war has ended, we will be selling marijuana, crack, cocaine and heroin on isle 7. thank you and have a nice day

   Ruth Bader Ginsburg actually died years ago. She just got the memo today.

   It took George W. seven years to tank Clinton's economy. Now, it took Trump three years to tank Obama's economy. Best president ever!

   "They" are just mad because Obama's taking away things they've been getting away for years...excuse me, decades and that's.....GREED.

   A Chicken Sandwich walks into a bar, and orders some food & beer. The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here".

   so today at work, I accidently ripped one in front of a hot female. Seein I was embaressed, she cheerfuly responded, "oh yeah?". She then proceeded to lift her leg and cut one of the ripest farts ive ever heard. Oddly awesome.

   thinks we need to stand by our North Korean Allies.

   If I'm not gonna shower tonight I'm gonna at least baby wipe my hole and baby powder my balls. Same diff

   (̅_̅_̅_̅(̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅̅_̅()ڪے~ ~ Smoking Kills! So why don't you have another.

   Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?

   Enough with the school closings due to the cold weather. Our kids need an education. Just open the damn schools.

   "Get in da bowl"....."YOU get in da bowl."

   A man was arrested after he broke into a sex shop & used a blow-up doll. He was chrgd with breaking & entering & entering.

   Way to sully the Forever 27 club Amy Winehouse. I hope Kurt, Jimmy, and Jim Morrison run train on your skanky ass