Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i wish my car ran off MONSTER like I do or even trident layers (imagine)..lol

   What do I mean no? Let me clarify....No! As in the opposite of yes. And as in you get nothing!!

   reading the latest edition of Better Homes & Gardens while wearing a Mexican wrestling mask.

   dear FB... I assure you, the people you think I may know... not only do I not know... but i'm also pretty sure I wouldn't want to

   Inmate: Dam Officer these cuffs are to tight.... Me: Ooooh my wife says the same thing all the time. Quit whining!

   It's not how many woman you know, but how well you know woman

   Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others

   I could pull it off but my liver is calling in sick in the morning

   in a world that has Taco Bell is there really a need for X-Lax? just sayin :)

   Gotta keep things interesting. I can turn doing laundry into a scene from an Indiana Jones movie.

   I really hope the meteorite that crash in Russia doesn't affect the price of Vodka!...Cause I'll Go Mexican..Tequila!

   maybe that girl thought that water tower was a jacuzzi! canadians...

   RIP: Bonnie Franklin. Muddle up to heaven one cloud at a time.

   Why do they still use smoke signals? They've not heard of Twitter?

   thinks that girls who say they're comfortable with their body may as well say "why bother taking care of myself"

   Maintain your vehicle before your check engine light turns into a silhouette of a hand giving you the finger.

   House party couple of doors away, music sounds awesome, wish I could rock up. Takes me back. These days my 4 yr old has mores parties.

   Why does it seem only ugly, fat or old chicks hit on me when I go out to the local watering hole?

   I Left my wife after she developed a strange fetish. She liked to dress-up as herself and act like a f--king c--t all the f--king time.

   How do you say, 'I don't want to go out with you because I have a mad crush on someone that lives in my phone' without sounding crazy?