Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i think this world wide web thing has ran is course!

   You. Me. Handcuffs. Whipped Cream. NOW!

   On This day in 1918 Transylvania unites with Romania. Locals stay up all night to celebrate. Then return to their coffins just before dawn

   If she gets up and goes and makes you a sandwich after sex. You're not doing it right

   free candy and football. my kinda Thursday

   Accidentally started my shower using a Mr. Clean magic eraser instead of a sponge...Stopped using it, but now my balls are gone.

   If you can't open that bottle of pickles for your girl like a real man then just smash it over your face and look crazy B*tches love crazy

   I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the club last night. I'm practically Jesus now.

   Can someone tell me the exact crime I need to commit at a Trump rally to get put on house arrest because legally having to cancel plans sounds incredible.

   I use white eggs, does that make me prejudice ?

   I promise I didn't have sexual relations with Monika

   Thanksgiving is almost 8 months away. That'll give me some time to prepare for that dry azz turkey dinner.

   We used to be the same person... Who tho hell are you?

   If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I think you should have to assume sort of a walking shape so as not to frighten the dogs

   Pouring petrol in a diesel car is like pouring vodka into a woman, it seems alright at first but you just know later on it's gonna break down!

   In life, the woman saying " it cant be done" is always interrupted by the woman doing it...that woman is ME:)

   Never choose someone who suffers from constipation to be your "In case of emergency" contact, because they don't even answer when nature calls and they won't give a s****

   If you live in Texas and gained weight this summer, shame on you!

   waering "faux fur" is like eating tofu steak

   there is one thing I really don't find funny, and that is people trying to be funny