Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you can't open that bottle of pickles for your girl like a real man then just smash it over your face and look crazy B*tches love crazy

   I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the club last night. I'm practically Jesus now.

   Can someone tell me the exact crime I need to commit at a Trump rally to get put on house arrest because legally having to cancel plans sounds incredible.

   I use white eggs, does that make me prejudice ?

   I promise I didn't have sexual relations with Monika

   Thanksgiving is almost 8 months away. That'll give me some time to prepare for that dry azz turkey dinner.

   We used to be the same person... Who tho hell are you?

   If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I think you should have to assume sort of a walking shape so as not to frighten the dogs

   Pouring petrol in a diesel car is like pouring vodka into a woman, it seems alright at first but you just know later on it's gonna break down!

   In life, the woman saying " it cant be done" is always interrupted by the woman doing it...that woman is ME:)

   Never choose someone who suffers from constipation to be your "In case of emergency" contact, because they don't even answer when nature calls and they won't give a s****

   If you live in Texas and gained weight this summer, shame on you!

   waering "faux fur" is like eating tofu steak

   there is one thing I really don't find funny, and that is people trying to be funny

   Women! You can't live with them, you can't do most positions without them.

   No wonder why Lebron James is a cowboy fan, they have one thing in common, they play good for 3 quarters.

   live life in the slow lane and get left behind...

   BOY:"Would you wear socks if you had no feet?" GIRL:"Nope." BOY:"Then, why do you wear a bra?" GIRL:"Why do you wear pants?"

   On the way home today rush hr traffic I let 8 people in and got 2 waves.should have a rocket launcher ..just saying..KABOOM

   Just ate some candy corn and am sick of Halloween already.