Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Due to hacking and terror threats, I'm canceling my Christmas film "Kim Jong merrily on high"!

   If you dont understand big words, I can euthanize with you.

   If you don't talk in a group chat for 5 minutes you miss 42 sets of plans and 56 arguments but if you say something you don't get a reply

   I hate it when I accidentally listen to Pitbul then I have to press down the gushing wound of the person I just stabbed.

   Every time my wife gets in the shower she has to worry about me reenacting the scene from Psycho but with my wiener and a lot of begging.

   those E-cigarettes plug into USB so when they run out of their fluid & get empty have they been "formatted"?

   A badasss, is an idiot who survived.

   Scoopable kitty litter makes me feel like the worst gold miner ever.

   If your bed has ruffles and 7 pillows on it, you must be Gay or Married.

   sure blame that game on pot

   The only thing your inspirational tweets inspire me to do is b*tch slap you so you'll stop.

   Almost went to jail today, scared the crap out of me. I don't care who you are, monopoly can get pretty intense.

   Stalkers are like serial killers; they always want to be in the mind of their victims.

   I always buy the biggest size pants on the rack because they cost the same as the smallest size. More pants for your money, I always say.

   i think this world wide web thing has ran is course!

   You. Me. Handcuffs. Whipped Cream. NOW!

   On This day in 1918 Transylvania unites with Romania. Locals stay up all night to celebrate. Then return to their coffins just before dawn

   If she gets up and goes and makes you a sandwich after sex. You're not doing it right

   free candy and football. my kinda Thursday

   Accidentally started my shower using a Mr. Clean magic eraser instead of a sponge...Stopped using it, but now my balls are gone.