Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The mile high club is bullsh*t unless you're both anorexic!!

   Some women try to live their lives through another woman. Point in case Rihanna and Kim Kardashian wannabes.

   If everything tastes like us, why do we have to die? –Chickens

   "Don't look at me like I'm crazy when I ask if your store caries Ancient Indian Burial Ground Test Kits..." - Joan Rivers

   So did Queen Elsa put a spell on the Kingdom of Buffalo?

   Remember Tiger woods was going thru it? - Bill cosby

   Due to hacking and terror threats, I'm canceling my Christmas film "Kim Jong merrily on high"!

   If you dont understand big words, I can euthanize with you.

   If you don't talk in a group chat for 5 minutes you miss 42 sets of plans and 56 arguments but if you say something you don't get a reply

   I hate it when I accidentally listen to Pitbul then I have to press down the gushing wound of the person I just stabbed.

   Every time my wife gets in the shower she has to worry about me reenacting the scene from Psycho but with my wiener and a lot of begging.

   those E-cigarettes plug into USB so when they run out of their fluid & get empty have they been "formatted"?

   A badasss, is an idiot who survived.

   Scoopable kitty litter makes me feel like the worst gold miner ever.

   If your bed has ruffles and 7 pillows on it, you must be Gay or Married.

   sure blame that game on pot

   The only thing your inspirational tweets inspire me to do is b*tch slap you so you'll stop.

   Almost went to jail today, scared the crap out of me. I don't care who you are, monopoly can get pretty intense.

   Stalkers are like serial killers; they always want to be in the mind of their victims.

   I always buy the biggest size pants on the rack because they cost the same as the smallest size. More pants for your money, I always say.