Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet Payton Mannings family is going to have a hard time eating today. Every time someone asks him to pass the turkey, it's going to get intercepted

   Screenshot me, I dare you. I'll climb through your window and smash your phone so quick.

   Has gone from eating pigs in blankets, to becoming a pig in a blanket ! 🐷🐽🐷🐽🐷🐽

   Why regret anything, because at one time it was exactly what you wanted...

   To be honest, I'm just trying to look content until the next Star Wars movie comes out.

   Who remembers when a quarter was worth 12 dollars. I could buy a pack of cigarettes, a can of Pepsi and a bag of chips for a quarter. . .

   Adult gummy Melatonin: because while fat, drunk and stupid might be the American norm, fat, drunk, stupid and sleep deprived is unacceptable.

   If you're in a vehicle traveling at the speed of light and you put your head lights on does it act as breaks and slow you down. . .

   If anyone knows of anyone who sells mass amounts of weed let me know.. The cops want to speak with them

   If my boyfriend wants to break up, he has to make a 16-slide powerpoint with his sources cited on why and if I don't like it then we are still going out

   Just when you start to feel like you're #1, God throws a blue turtle shell.

   lost all my contacts on my phone

   What's up with these people in Pakistan getting stoned to death? What kind of weed are they growing there?

   Throwing your cat at the intruder & shouting release the hounds does nothing for,,,,,,,, A) Your property... B) Your cat... C) Both...

   The mile high club is bullsh*t unless you're both anorexic!!

   Some women try to live their lives through another woman. Point in case Rihanna and Kim Kardashian wannabes.

   If everything tastes like us, why do we have to die? –Chickens

   "Don't look at me like I'm crazy when I ask if your store caries Ancient Indian Burial Ground Test Kits..." - Joan Rivers

   So did Queen Elsa put a spell on the Kingdom of Buffalo?

   Remember Tiger woods was going thru it? - Bill cosby