Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Myspace: Died a couple of years ago. Facebook: In the hospital. Twitter: At the strip club throwing ones at the big booty bit$hes.

   My family was so poor when I was growing up that if I hadn't been a boy, I wouldn't have had ANYTHING to play with.

   Going to: ❒ Paris ❒ New York ❒ London ✔ KITCHEN... I'm hungry

   just spit out his stride gum.

   laying on his bed, looking up at the stars and wondering... WTF??? wheres my roof?

   thinking of opening a drinking/gambling establishment and calling it Liquor Up Front, Poker in the Rear

   proud of himself. He finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years :D

   wants an asian monkey just so I can name it "who flung pu"

   We have a huge water crisis here! So I'm trying to make the biggest effort that I can to help conserve. With that said, I'm about to take a shower, if any ladies would like to join me then by all means come on in, we must save our precious h2o. HA! =p

   just because I flirt it doesn't mean I'm interested, it just means I'm awake

   Amy Winehouse joins the Forever 27 Club. When does Lady Gaga turn 27?

   Jesus died (temporarily for 3 days) for your sins (then resurrected with sweet superpowers). So you (really don't) owe him anything.

   I tried a striptease for my wife last night but it didn’t go well. I got my shirt stuck on my head, and by the time I got the damn thing off, she had left the room.

   having it her way

   celebating....aaaaaah! crap I forgot an R! I am celebrating

   Remember that new kid who always used to wear a skull cap and asked you to go to the prom with him and you rejected him?..Yeah,He had cancer and he died the very same night you were dancing with the school bully..Let that marinate in your mind for awhile

   My conservative friend had blood dripping from his mouth. I asked him if he's ok and he said "don't worry about it, my sister's in her period"

   Halloween is coming ... and you know what that means. An excuse for every girl to dress slutty and get away with it.

   Studies show that 36% of people rushed to the hospital die on their way. Such a coincidence seeing that 36% of ambulance drivers are women.

   Two Lovers plan to sucide. Boy jumped first. Girl closed her eyes and return backsaying 'Love Is Blind.' Boy in air 0pen his parachute saying 'Love Never Dies to'.