Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm always thinking one step ahead...like a carpenter...that makes stairs

   If you look up “cool” in the dictionary, you'll see a picture of me. I like to deface dictionaries.

   My girl is leaving me cos she thinks I'm too gullible... You should have seen her face wen I told her tht I've won the Nigerian lottery.

   Man, I don't drop character 'till I done the DVD commentary.

   The next person that asks me if ex Salvation Army employees count, gets punched in the throat. Unbelievable

   Shorter Obama: "if you go dumpster diving behind your insurance company and you find your old plan and they say you can keep it. Period!!

   If you add all the distance I've run from my car to the liquor store as its about to close then yes, I have run a marathon.

   Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

   IDEA: pizza that comes in a box made of ice cream cone material so you can eat the box too.

   ...... Today is 4-21 .... National Surprise Drug Test Day!

   P0rnhub will only let you watch 5 videos on your phone. That's why I have 6 phones.

   People who say, "Never mind" after bringing something up really piss me off. Why did you bring it up in the first place?

   I don't post pics of my girl and me on social media for a good reason. What if someone calls her ugly and I have to dump her?

   His plams are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on his sweater already. WEBMD: Pancreatic Cancer

   Do you think I'll now what's up in "Horny Neighbors 3" without seeing the first 2?

   If a ram is a member of the sheep family,& a ass is the member of the horse family,why do they refer to a ram in the ass a goose ?

   I've exercised and on a strict diet and I lost 70lbs (true story) but I just found out all I had to do was throw up after I eat. why doesn't everyone do this!

   I have tweets with one or no stars,, so yes Grandpa, I can imagine what the Vietnam war was like

   Nothing makes a room feel emptier than wanting someone in it. J

   If you start a sentence with ''i'm not a racist/sexist/homophobe/etc''... there is a 99.99999% chance that you are.