Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my mind used to be like a steel trap, now it's like the cart you get at the store with the bad wheel

   I am too funny I just don't know how to describe it in writing but if you doubt me you are free to come over to my house tonight & see... You can also carry a good comedy with you just in case.

   Friend: Why use Google when you can ask Jesus anything? Me: Not gonna ask Jesus where to find midget por n.

   i gotta crap so big I'm thinking I need to hire a event planner!

   Happy Jesus day aka Easter. +

   got the best Halloween costume for his P@nis: Tube Sock Shakur.

   I bet Nicolas Cage smells like birds.

   I’m glad men don’t wear skirts, I imagine how much shorter they would be when we had erections.

   If you're offended so quickly and don't get sarcasm, it means you have no sense of humour and ruin everyone else's humor.

   There is a button on my oven that says ‘stop time'. I am pretty sure it means ‘stop timER' but I don't push it just in case.

   (o_o) dat wierd feeling you get when you take a sit and it is still warm coz some jus got up from it... *very discomforing*

   If I die in a stripclub, please drag my body to the nearest church before reporting my death.

   Bo is re-elected the same day Colorado legalizes pot, I wonder if citizens will now get pot stamps instead of food stamps. Well played peeps of Colorado.

   Apparently you read my lips since you deleted the post A HOLE!

   I got batteries for Christmas. They weren't included.

   Jingle Jangle With The Camel, is my favourite Arab Movie.

   I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?" I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."

   loving his new padded room,

   lives in her own world... They know me here.

   If you were this awesome, your name would be X as well.