Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Guess who just bragged about what they did the day of September 11 and made it about them.

   Realizing his horrible mistake, Judas bitterly hurled his half-eaten Klondike bar into the sea.

   I just saw a commercial that said, "Spend less time cleaning your toilet and have more time for the things you love to do." ... Yeah, like because I spend so much time cleaning my toilet that by the time I'm finished the whole day is over.

   The way this administration is going..... I need something more than coffee , but less than cocaine

   Something seems ironic about Macy's 249th "1 Day Sale"

   Big Boobs makes my ADHD go crazy!

   One word that says It all "SHUDDAFUGUP"

   I was born with a rare disease. It's the one where your heart doesn't grow on the left side of your chest but on the right side sleeve of your shirt.

   Did you know that you can't tap your thumb knuckle against your bottom teeth with your eyes closed over 16 times without getting dizzy?

   You know what makes my blood boil - crematoriums

   A holy war over Muhamid Ali? seriously? ...what? ...oh my bad.

   Ever wonder why the ceilings of churches are so high? To make one feel less invaluable and intimidated...

   Congratulations to Whitney Houston for being sober two years . . .

   If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

   One of Americas most beloved mannequins passed away today #RIPJoan

   Kids, just say no to drugs. Also, just say no if they ask you if daddy does drugs. - Me, if I had kids

   I polished my car and now I might go pleasure myself ... wax on/whacks off

   "What's your pet hate?",.. "Well he doesn't like it when I stick my finger up his arse!"

   Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.

   In the 80's America won the cold war and the wall came down, now a guy with 80's hair thinks building a wall will make America great again.