Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today, the doctor told me that I have Vasovagal Syncope: I pass out every time I get aroused. Bye bye sex.

   why is burqas classified as crime, when lady gaga can wear raw meat as an outfit in public?

   When I die, I'd like someone to keep updating my Facebook status just to freak people out... "Wow, who knew they had wi-fi up there?"

   golf is about "strokes" & "balls"...if that isnt a gay sport, idk what is

   Girl: Why do you constantly keep posting my name as your Facebook status every 2 minutes? Boy: Facebook keeps asking me what's on my mind? And honestly, it's always you.

   You wanna know who's amazing and has the cutest smile ever? Read the first word again :)

   if she got gold in her mouth....she's too hood for you bro

   If your not over your EX then don't move on Cause you playing with someone else feelings!

   RELATIONSHIP TIP: You have to love yourself before you can expect anyone else to love you. Becoming happy with who you are and acknowledging your flaws.

   Last night I slept for 6 hours straight then 1 hour ga y.

   Your Sunday morning bible lesson :And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life."....... But John came fifth and won a toaster.

   Dear people who think its cool to flip off the camera when getting their pics taken; Why are you so mad? Did someone sodomise you as a kid?

   10/11/12. We get it, already. Except it's really 10/11/2012...

   Face it.. Hotel rooms are good for one thing only... Getting laid

   My wife and I do it doggie style. I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead.

   Guess who just bragged about what they did the day of September 11 and made it about them.

   Realizing his horrible mistake, Judas bitterly hurled his half-eaten Klondike bar into the sea.

   I just saw a commercial that said, "Spend less time cleaning your toilet and have more time for the things you love to do." ... Yeah, like because I spend so much time cleaning my toilet that by the time I'm finished the whole day is over.

   Something seems ironic about Macy's 249th "1 Day Sale"

   The way this administration is going..... I need something more than coffee , but less than cocaine