Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was going to complain about my headache then I remembered JFK

   They were talking about that Mary Magdalene in church again today. What a skank.

   The next president of the USA will be named Barack, Mitt or Newt! You can't make this stuff up...

   I wish Obama would hurry up & have himself a sex scandal already!!! The last time that happened Unemployment was at 4% & Inflation climbed 1%... Anyone remember the good ole days where Andrew Jackson was King?

   I can see exactly 6 years into the future. I have 2020 vision.

   Wine gets better with age. That’s why it’s always better by the time you pour the fourth glass.

   I'm more scared than Barack Obama at a Willie Nelson concert.

   out of beta, and is releasing on time

   What do you get when you cross a retard with a gang banger? Someone who spray paints on a chain link fence.

   When I die, I want to be buried alive.

   If I was a jumper the first place i'd jump is right into megans fox's panties..:)

   just found an excellent heroin dealer! His name is Al Vishniac and his address is 987 E. 7th st, Apt. 4-A.

   You think you know someone and then one day you visit them and find out they put bread in their fridge :(

   Science is for the egotistical that think man has all the answers

   If I'd have been in Jerusalem when Jesus had risen from his tomb, I'm pretty sure I'd have been the only idiot to poke him with a stick and yell out "The Zombie apocalypse has begun!"

   that everyone should stop giving Americans a hard time! After all it's not their fault that they have glow in the dark teeth!... Oh wait a minute. I maybe it is!

   OMFG I just saw this woman with Buckwheat in a headlock! Either that, or she's European.

   I have a dead friend on my Facebook. Is it wrong that I send her game requests so I can get credits?

   I know this sounds crazy but I totally see Jesus's face in this painting of Jesus.

   * Thank goodness I have direct deposit so I can advoid having to see his signature on my check.