Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As it says in Corinthinans 2: "The hateful bigot shall be forgiven if after 7 years he blames someone else while promoting his hotel."#amen

   Trump spends so much time golfing that if he doesn't qualify for the PGA Tour by the end of his presidency he's a failure.

   Wife: Why is your back all scratched up? [flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone] Me: I'm having an affair

   When one door opens, just hope that it’s the fridge and someone is about to bring you a beer.

   Police in Florida have arrested a man who said he finally achieved his goal of shoplifting in all 50 states. You know what you call someone who steals from all 50 states? Current president.

   Funniest thing about all of this is the fact that some people still stick up for him.

   Ever have one of those days where you pull a leaf off a tree branch and the whole tree falls on you , that's me today

   I think climate change isn't a hoax afterall. - Florida

   I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.

   Before we start having any hope for the future of humanity, we should really look into how Women park Cars

   Stock Market News as of Today; The Dow has doubled since Obama became president. Or as Republicans call it, devastating economic news.

   I hate when I take LSD, and see a raccoon, and I'm all "The Hamburglar is shape-shifting, man!"

   Today will forever be known as Cinco de Mayweather!

   What do we want? A cure for TOURETTE'S! When do we want it? C(_)NT'S.

   To all the SINGLE MEN, GEEKS and Comic Book Nerds//// You lost out on Feb. 14 Valentine's Day.....You lost out on March 14 Steak and BJ Day ....BUT today is YOUR day....HAPPY PALM SUNDAY!!!!!!!!!

   Ummmm excuse me to my lovely US of A buddies but here in Australia the word "FANNY" means a completely different thing....so when you ask me if I use a fanny pack just remember this for future reference PMSL

   Everybody's tan will be so much darker this year.

   Interesting NFL fact: Brett Favre is the only active play to be drafted by the Confederate Army and the NFL

   If Barbie isn't a slut... Then why do people have to buy her boyfriends!?

   hmmm..wonder if Tom from Myspace has a Facebook page