Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This year for Halloween I'm handing out Chocolate & Caramel covered Onions. Halloween is fun.

   The moment when someone's zipper is down & you don't know whether to tell, because you can't explain why you were looking that low.

   Humans are the only creatures on earth that will cut down trees, make paper, then write "Save Trees" on them...

   Not setting my expectation high this Xmas, since I shall not be kissed under a mistletoe I shall accept to be kissed by a camel-toe.

   Whether you order a six-inch or a foot- long, both you and your sandwich artist are thinking about diks for at least a second.

   Dear Hockey, I do not understand you.

   A girl came up to me in a bar last night and said, "Do you want me to show you a good time?" Excited, I said, "Yes." Then she ran 100m in 8.73 seconds...

   It's Nursing home in Africa hot outside.

   Noticed a fly stuck to the back of my girlfriends maxipad in the trash, so I hung them all over the house as flystrips. Won't she be surprised at how smart I am :D

   Do midget farts smell half as bad?

   Sometimes I watch videos of guys jerking off to compare techniques.

   Tampons are in the right place, at the wrong time.

   If a dog gave birth to puppies near the road can it be cited for littering ?

   I don't care who they elect Pope just as long as I can keep drinking, gambling and having unprotected sex!

   Find someone you can trust with your weird.

   Wonder what Emeniem does for his mom on Mother's Day ?

   Any of you lottery playing dumba$$es actually know a single person who's won more than they've wasted?? I didn't think so...

   All I said was Don't spill the bong water. Thanks a lot Amanda guess who's buying me a new Bong Bit€h!

   I tried to make my own sausages today for the grill out. Bit of a failure though. The flames kept melting the condoms I used for the sausage skins.

   Apparently punching an alien looking thing in the face and saying "Welcome to Earth" isn't acceptable on a newborn baby