Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house."

   I think Facebook has some serious self-conscious issues...either that or it's being run by Heidi Montag...enough with the changes!!! You were so money the way you were...

   If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

   I'm fed up with my brain remembering crap I'd like to forget and forgetting crap I'd like to remember!

   the best way to piss off your wife is to tell her her pants look too loose.....

   I am pretty bummed. I found out this morning the hard way that I am in fact, NOT a Jedi. That certificate from Lucusworks now has to come off of my wall. This is a sad day indeed.

   OK Guys (and some of you girls). When someone says something to you and you're not sure what they say...don't just guess, ask so you don;t confuse "stay at my place, for play on my face!" It could be a little embarassing!

   someone asked me what CRS was...I couldn't remember

   DAMN you Farkle for temping me to Roll the Dice just one more time!

   In the wake of the tornado, Fox News is whipping up a frenzy over the plans of some munchkins to build a community center in Williamsburg.

   Dear Simon, why the hell should I do what you say???

   What is with going to the doctors while your sick and they have the nerve to ask how am I doing? "Yeahhh you know I'm doing pretty well just have 2 ear infections and bronchitis no big deal!" As if they don't know I'm not doing too great.

   The snow term "Ass Deep To A Tall Indian"...has me profiling these people...

   a guys favorite line to a female "we'll just lie here and cuddle"

   she wishes housework was as easy as cleaning out my fb requests

   the jets havent even made it to the runway lolz.. .

   Every morning after my coffee I use the skills I learned while taking Lamaze classes: Breathing techniques, and timing the contractions.  

   Huh, it turns out those WERE droids we were looking for! Son of a b@&*h!

   Now that Pacquiao's won another fight, everyone wants to see him go up against Floyd Mayweather. But we all know there's no 'money' cuz we're in a recession.

   Jimmy Kimmel has declared today "National UnFriend Day." Don't forget to UnFriend some non-friends today. Then tell your real friends how much you appreciate them!