Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm always let down when I see a fat kid on a seesaw by himself and nobody falls from the sky

   I'm bored. I think I'll get pregnant.

   If you're gonna tell me a story that invokes the phrase "robbed a sex shop" you have my full attention...

   All I'm saying is that teasing orthodontic patients does NOT make me a "brace-ist!"

   I've set aside 2013 for software updates.

   It's 8:35 AM and I've already sat on 3 different toilet seats. My morning in a nutshell.

   Her last boyfriend was Asian: Good news for your D. Her last boyfriend was black: Bad news for your D

   My girlfriend kept going "Ssshhhhh!" during sex, last night. I think she might have a puncture

   I wonder if asparagus makes my jizz smell funny too...

   I wanna go kick a pigeon.

   It has come to my attention that certain things have come to my attention. My attention span being as short as it is.........it has come to my attention

   Seeing my ex with a new guy doesnt upset me.. My mother taught me at a young age to give me used toys to the less fortunate.

   and then satan said, 'let there be schools.'

   █████████████████████ Take that prism!

   remember folks...gravy is NOT a beverage!!

   Felix proved one thing today: No matter how high you go... you will end up on earth!!

   Can I add you on Facebook ? Cos I would like to Poke you

   Looks like cold weather has returned. Guess I'll let me back hair grow out for winter...

   I always wondered what a ''Chimichanga" was. Just found out. It's a bad case of diarrhea....

   My cat moved out when my first child was born. True story. I guess giving birth is quite traumatic on a pu$$y.