Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So am I on Facebook or is everyone updating their Sports Annalist resume?

   Wedding cards should be filed in the Sympathy section.

   I got into a huge blow up with my wife last night because she took a shortcut and beat me in Mario Kart. She has never done this before. Another man taught her that. I KNOW IT!

   I saw a man with a pony tail running down the street so I’m guessing there’s an angry iguana somewhere waiting to be fed its dinner.

   Great, just found out the truth. All my theories are wrong. God wants to end and restart humanity all because someone invented 'Twerking'...

   Hey guys if your girlfriend still has pics of her ex on there Facebook Your doomed they have not moved on

   Everyone knows the way to a girl's heart on facebook is to like every picture and wall post she makes.

   Tex Mex...the same 3 primary ingredients folded 100 different ways. Like eating laundry with tomatoes, cheese, and cumin layered in.

   "Call it a sweatshirt.. Those?,, those are sweatpants.. That one is a sweater.. Gosh, it's hot in here." ... (The guy who named clothes)

   You know you're country if you went mistletoe shooting as a kid.

   Anyone have any spare donkey meat? My local wal mart is out...

   I got eight inches last night. The snow was pretty deep too.

   Given the choice between a woman and weed… always choose the woman with a weed.

   Oven mitts and rubber gloves are thegloves that females wear in their respectedsports

   If there is no WiFi in heaven that sounds like hell to me.

   i became a resentful, self centered, science freak egomaniac by joining atheist mingle

   A midget fortuneteller broke out of the county jail. Police report there is a small medium at large.

   “Little Marco…” “Trump has an orange spray tan…” Maybe it’s just me, but I personally wish that they would settle things the exact same way that Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton did in 1804.

   (Glass breaks) Her: I think someones breaking in! Me: I'll take care of this! (grabs a toilet brush) Her: A toilet brush? What are you going to do scrub him to death? Me: Would you want to be touched with this?

   Stephen King has been murder slaying Trump on Twitter since the "rabid coyote" descended the Trump Tower escalator in June.