Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There is a special place in Hell for people that pass memes off as their own

   Cop: Sir, do you know why I pulled you over? Me: No, Officer. I thought sure that you would know.

   Praying that Jennifer Lawrence's hacker did not find my secret selfies...

   I live my life with no regrets. I apologize for nothing. I'm sorry but that's just the way it is!"

   So, who wants to play go F#ck yourself. Oh my sarcasm never ceases to amaze me. . .

   A plunger, but for feelings.

   White privilege is being able to look at Ferguson and say "I should get off the Internet"

   Lead me not into temptation. I can find it on my own.

   I only advocate hemosexual lesbians. You know ladies what I'm saying.

   Sweet! McDonalds must be still celebrating St. Patricks day today by dyeing there hamburger meat green! Oh wait....

   Advantage #46 of being single. I have entire closets that are completely empty.

   I give my number to this hot sexy as@ bi#ch.. She said I will call you when I get home, I think that bit$h homeless..

   some women wud rather stay in a bad relationship because starting over and not being able to fart around the new guy sucks.

   Wow, Lil Wayne's now on Paris Hilton's new song. Those tear drop tattoos should be real tears, Weezy.

   When you're ugly and you hear attractive people call themselves ugly and your self esteem goes down by 14564%

   I bet a lot of people in Congress are hoping for a Kanye appearance today.....

   I was way off. Turns out the movie Aliens vs. Predator isn't about an illegal immigrant fighting a child molester.

   what cultureless buffoon called him Subway Sandwich Artist of the Month and not "Leonardo Six Inchi".

   It always seems like a good idea, but invariably somebody is disappointed in a threesome.

   Love is often thought of as an emotion that takes time to develop. In reality, love is just a seed that gets planted. It grows when nourished. Fortunately in my case, my seed is a microwave popcorn seed ...