Snotty Funny Status Messages

   OK..... Not making a Latin American joke today was one of my Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooals

   Eve: I got an Apple... Adam:Ugh.. Eve: What?.. Adam: I thought we decided on Android?... Eve: The serpent said this was better.

   Remember kids -- it may be illegal to text and drive,,, but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.

   Boss: Can you pass a urine test?... Me: Sure...distance or accuracy?

   I know they say cell phones have more germs then toilets,,,,,, But I'm just not tasting that much of a difference

   For softer cookies,,, skip the baking part and just eat the dough.

   I think the only thing actually impossible in life is taking a picture for a group of girls,,, and having ALL of them like it.

   A fun thing to do during an argument is bring up every irrelevant detail from past arguments until you win & die alone.

   Apple cobbler? Uh,, No thanks,,, If I ever want shoes made for my apples,, I'll buy them at the mall where they're cheaper,,, I'm NOT an idiot..

   This just isn't working out.... I think we should start being other people.

   When you're at work,,, tell someone that has OCD that you drove past their house, and it looked like a light was on... *Sit back and watch.

   Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because you could be eligible for compensation.... Please call Goldstein and Goldstein to see what your case may be worth.

   For every slice of cheese I cut for my sandwich, I eat a slice.... I feel like this is what God wants me to do.

   Walmart.. The only place in America where you can buy a shrimp-ring, a wedding-ring, and tidy-bowl for a toilet ring in the same store.

   Whenever you refer to a "hot girl" in your story,,,, I'll say, "She wasn't that hot, But go on."

   You can tell a lot about a person by making vast assumptions.

   This IKEA joke may be cheap,,, but it still took me hours to figure out how to set up.

   I wonder what "don't touch" is in Braille.

   So,, The cashier at this Trader Joe's forgot to say "I love these" to one of my items, and now I have to go to the end of line and start over.

   There's a 95% chance that you'll go through your whole life without ever knowing the next line to "Blinded By The Light."