Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Adulthood is just piles of bills and trying to convince your exes how amazing you're life is

   A long time ago in a galaxy far far away.... Disney bought out Lucasfilms

   Survival tip: always carry at least one banana peel cause you never know when you'll be chased by some criminal.

   The Hot New Toy this Christmas season will be "Outsource Me Elmo" Which is simply an empty box as Elmo's job has now gone to a Muppet in Asia.

   I would be open to crying a lot more if my tears tasted like tequila.

   All of us at work are suffering from anal glaucoma today.... We can't see our ass getting to work.

   Farts are like secrets to me because I never keep them to myself.

   how about no humans were harmed in the making of this film?

   I watch Grey's Anatomy every week. I am now a qualified surgeon. Please PM me for an appointment.

   If you want someone who is always smiling, always happy, get a clown. Or a comedian. I need someone who can get dark with me.

   Booze Allen called and asked if I still wanted the IT Securities job. I responded by saying I'm not going to Prism messing with y'all.

   What,,Are you a weekly magazine?,,,,, You've got ALOT of issues

   That time you find yourself singing that song you hate and you end up throwing yourself off the 5th storey just teach yourself a lesson.

   The next couple of years are going to rock for wedding crashing!

   Aaron Hernandez,, I have some legal advice for you,,, Never trust a lawyer who wears pigtails, sucks on a lollipop and blows you kisses when you ask him a complex legal question.

   There is a fine line between being a nice guy and being a little b*tch."

   If so many things taste like chicken...what does chicken taste like???

   I ain't cheap. I am just broke.

   There was kidnapping at our local school today. The teacher woke him up and told him not to do it again.

   it just me, or do all the Trumps grin like Cheshire Cats because of their oversized veneers?