Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Those aren't butterflies, honey; that's gas. Go burp & get over him.

   the other person supposed to know you're having Tantric sex with them?

   just because you don't like it doesn't mean it is not true.

   By no stretch of the imagination do I consider myself to be a fashion plate of any kind, yet I do have the good sense to not have anything green in my wardrobe.

   Really cleav...klev......Intelagen.......Smart!

   I see people are still talking about their spirit animals. They put mine to sleep so I can't go in on that one.

   Don’t fear anything; just try and understand it before you kill it.

   When filling out a resume, is "Facebook friends" capitalized? Asking for a friend....

   Ironically, my sugar daddy has diabetes.

   It was sooo cold last night I had to use 2 laptops and 3 tablets just to keep warm! Camping is hard.

   It is very important to encourage personal growth. I often try to encourage myself to grow past making fun of stupid people.

   It feels like the time of the day when I have a trough of cinnamon toast crunch.

   I go tweetless when I see you.

   It's really crazy that you don't heara round of applause every time youorder a salad.

   Most people learn from lessons others have to be taught...

   If men in bands can make her dance, I wonder what men in college can make her do.

   I dont know why when I'm online I just gravitate towards Facebook. The computer, the internet/ service, or the Ipad are just useless and pointless with out checking my newsfeed.

   Top Reasons I Procastinate... 1.)

   I can’t believe we’re almost four years away from someone using “Gangnam Style” as a deliberately outdated comedy reference.

   has an easy solution for anyone who hasn't been laid in a long time - conjugal visits.