Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't always drink and drive, but when I do, I make sure the kids are strapped safely in their car seats. That's called responsible parenting ツ

   X What does a Jets fan do when his team wins the Super Bowl? He turns off Madden and gets back in bed with his sister.

   *An Icelandic cop knocks on a door* "Mrs Jónson? There's no easy way to say this..... Your husband fell into the volcano Eyjafjallajökull."

   "the center of attention, even when he's up against the wall"

   Dear 2016, for the love of all that's holy... Please take Hillary too..

   My mixer killed my kettle. The pot is furious. The kettle might have been wearing a hooodie....I think it had some skittles.

   You can tune a piano but you cannot tuna fish.

   Its makes me young again when I jack off with baby lotion..lol

   why do some people say Math instead of Maths? ,, its Mathematics not Mathematic..

   Someone asked me for my mobile number today, l don't know, I never call myself

   Word of the day---FOCUS (fu@k off cuz ur stupid)

   Why is Germany sitting out the no-fly Zone? Uh, history of losing in N. Africa?

   ..is stealing everyone's watches and changing all the clocks at work. "What? 5 o'clock already? See ya!".

   Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink

   you're allways late, your work is slack, you bit#h and wine behind my back, a 2hr lunch 4u is quick, and twice a week you call in sick, i've hated you since the day you were hired, log off facebook are your fat a#s is fired

   I dry hump my mattress because I love my bed so much.

   OK Girls sorry to say this but Sometimes your knight in shining armor Guy is actually a dumb ass in aluminum foil.

   *Breaking news*...Tiger woods has crashed his Cadillac into another tree at the dogleg right on his way to the news conference. In a show of bravery during Black History Month, O.J. has picked him up in a White Ford Bronco.

   Louisiana has turned blue. Congrats!

   You keep Evolving, I'll keep Believing.