Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I feel like someone is stalking me... Wait, it's just my shadow.

   Busta Rhymes read all the Harry Potter books to me in about 3 minutes 47 seconds.

   Dear Jamie Lee "Stupid Liar Face" Curtis, I ate 32 Activia yogurts an hour ago and nothing has h

   I noticed today that my EX- Wifes' smart-phone is actually smarter then she is, come to think of it a pre paid walmart cell phone would be smarter then her too.

   Today is International Women's day AND ALSO Fat Tuesday.. Coincidence??...I think not

   The only pick up line guys will need on December 20th, 2012 is --> "let's live every day as if it's our last"

   Sammy Hagar says he was abducted by aliens. I thought he was an alien.

   thinking of starting a thread on facebook.... public restrooms need seat warmers!!!

   If you only walk in the day, how do you know that the night is bad? And if you walk in the night, how do you know the day is better? It is those who walk in the twilight who truly know the beauty of both. -Jenny Sands

   BREAKING NEWS!! The Pity Train has just derailed at the intersection of Suck It Up & Move On, and crashed into We All Have Problems, before coming to a complete stop at Get Over It. Any complaints about how we operate, can be forwarded to 1-800-waa-wah wi

   Scary Halloween costume idea: nobody having more respect for women than Donald Trump.

   According to my wife, my fashion style is "are you going out like that?"

   The DOW has drop to its lowest point of all time! Let's celebrate!

   Dear Mr President: Stop spraying manure everywhere, it now smells in Alaska

   The only people that should be in cages are strippers.

   Saw A Lady I have a crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ

   News just in: Hillary's private email server was located in a restroom. Clinton vows to get to the bottom of this.

   one thing I have learned from the latest 24 hour news cycle... You can limp wrist a Glock and it will still function

   If you're so damn smart, why aren't you rich?

   Burger King!.... because every place else is closed.