Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if it weren't for elephants and penguins, I would not be able to eat ice cream on a sailboat

   I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."

   playing a Rusty Trombone

   so lazy, she'll fight that little stone in her shoe till the end of the day

   gathering rocks to throw at LeBron...Cleveland will STILL ROCK without you!

   I love how, in scary movies, the person yells out, "Hello?" As if the bad guy is gonna be like, "Yeah, I`m in the kitchen! Want a sandwich?

   Women don't cheat on me, they cheat with me.

   Congrats USA. Always one step behind Canada and one step closer to being Canada...now give up your guns...it's your destiny. [/Palpatine]

   Huge Star Wars fan, Can't imagine a world without Spock.

   Does anyone know where I can register to become a sex offender?

   taking the "What color are you?" quiz and the result is: Who gives a Toss!!!!

   PRO TIP: You can cure most cat allergies,, by putting just a little antifreeze in their water.

   Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car

   A rather scary statistic, 42% of Americans think the "little magic man in the sky", otherwise known as god, has a direct hand in causing natural disasters.....idiots!

   Two men walk into a bar. The first says, "I'll have some H2O." The second one says, "I'll have some H2O too." Then he dies..

   I know a kid named Jay, but we call him J for short.

   I'm taking my kids to see their mother today. Actually, we're going to feed some ducks but I'm sure her rotting body is still in that pond.

   Hey girl, take off your make up, maybe we know eachoter

   I'm gonna laugh if this satellite hit japan.

   The kids next doors imaginary friend!