Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Two's company, three's...the musketeers!!!!!"

   walking away

   I just made Romney noodles Obama self : - /

   I’m an organ donor, but I’m pretty sure all they’re going to use is my liver for the “after” photos.

   Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet* Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*

   Trumps latest slogan...Make America Golf Again!

   I want to invent a product like prayer, an idea I sell people where no matter how much it fails and proves itself useless, they still think it's great and continue to use it!

   Life is about friends and family, nothing else matters. it all boils down to how you've impacted those in your circle. The sacrifices you make along the way will be your true legacy . LIVE, LOVE, LEARN.

   I'm sick of having 50 states so I combined some: Michconsin,

   When I get a headache,I take 2 aspirins and keep away from children,just like the bottle says LOL!

   ... And if you're taking your girlfriend out tonight, You better park the car well out of sight... Cause if they catch you in the back seat Trying to pick her locks, They're gonna send you back to mother In a cardboard box... You better run..."

   So.. No official pictures or videos, and they're claiming bin Laden was buried according to 'Islamic' traditions under the sea, cos no country was willing to accept his body for burial! Are you kidding me?? Not even Afghanistan?? This is by far the most f

   While having sex, a guy says to his wife "Honey, let's do a 68!" to which the wife asks, "68??? What's that?". So the husband replies "You do it to me and I'll owe you one."

   Female driving instructors... The equivalent of a blind person teaching kids to read.

   Jack & Jill.. went up the hill 2 fetch a pale of water, god knows wht happened.. they came down wid a daughter !!

   Would y'all be surprised if one of Lebrons ancestors escaped from slavery?

   Mr, T is opening a vegetarian restaurant. It's called "I pity the tofu".

   silence is golden but duck tape is silver

   .... To the guy at Sam's club: thanks for parking in all 4 spots...I'm the one who thought that big empty space was the carriage return... Oops. How'd that work out for you d*#k head????

   Eating at KFC makes me feel sluggish, a little slow, and my eyes are droopy. I think it might be Double Down syndrome.