Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness

   It's never a good sign when you lift a girls skirt and find a fly strip dangling down.

   Thinking to myself """"( why am I with her?....... O yeah, its the sex..."""")

   DT once said we would get "tired of winning." Well he was half right..... we are tired.

   Public Restrooms attract the weirdest people. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet.

   The problem with the whole 'Tebow' thing is the prevalent Christian mentality that god has the time to help Tebow make a miraculous 80-yard touchdown, yet He can't be bothered to save innocent children who are dying of cancer, or are being murdered.,

   ate so many M&Ms last night, you can see faint "M" outlines in my turds!

   "if your a Vin Diesel fan, in all fairness you should not be reading his status. You should be home coloring."

   ...U.S. combat in Iraq officially over. I love Pres. Obama! He's the ONLY black guy I know who's kept his withdrawal promise!

   if she was a boy then he would be gay

   My friends are all putting pictures of their kids on their Christmas cards. I dont have kids so I might put a picture of money on mine.

   the heebie da ba jeebies!

   I call the toilet at work Mrs. Star Trek... because I just Shatner.

   Women....... Can't live with them, can't get them to dress up in a Nazi uniform and spank you with a Bible.

   Am sorry but that Progessive Insurance chick " DISCOUNT !!! " .... ya her! she pretty hot !!

   On a cold night, to make a campfire, all you need is a match, kerosine, and a baby.

   Han Solo is killed by his son, Kylo Ren. Luke doesn't say anything and has 30 seconds of screentime. Kylo Ren survives the explosion at the end, leaving it set up for him to be the villain in the next movie.

   Sure, I've done bad things in my life. But not "going to hell" bad. More like "Jesus is going to make me his b*tch in heaven" bad.

   I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.

   Yes, us Atheist DO NOT believe in fairy tale characters from thousands of years ago. We let go of yesterday and live for today and tomorrow! We are not slaves to the past and its rules.