Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Come on down!!!! You're the next contestant on the Rice is White" ~ Asian game show.

   Most bars should be called peace and quiet, after the no smoking signs went up

   My ex told me to grow a pair of balls, but I'm growing petunias for my garden instead.

   MY MOM ON HER COMPUTER: [please create a password].... MOM: 123abc... [password must be eight characters long],,, "Ummm ok".... passwordmustbeeightcharacterslong

   Amazon's Prime Day: An experiment in quantifying disappointment. #primeday

   I just found out that my dog doesn't like Bacon.. BACON !!... I don't think we can be best friends anymore.

   Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical

   I took a train home. Now I don't know how to get it back on the rails...

   Only stupid, brainless and robotic idiots think education needs two layers of middle-men taking a cut out of the budget. (state + fed)

   Don’t waste your time arguing with strangers on the internet. Save that sh*t for your wife.

   How does Sean Connery shave? Ctrl + S

   if I had a dollar for everytime somebody said I was pretty ... ive had one dollar -thanx mom!

   Starting my weekend off right with a simmering rage. It's a beautiful day for violence!

   Single girls, who are you wearing matching panties and bra for? Singles guys, who are you wearing clean underwear for?

   nothing in life is free. Everything has a price. Every action has a consequence.

   When Missy Elliot asks if he has a big @#$%, I assume she means refrigerator.

   Every coach I know took 10 years to graduate from college so no, I'm not surprised by the bonehead play call.

   Guess Harrison Ford couldn't make the jump to Light Speed in his World War 2 vintage plane...

   "Hey Sally, selling seashells directly on the seashore is the dumbest effing business idea ever" ~ Sally's friends probably.

   What is the correct punishment for your child when they put the toilet paper roll on for bottom pulling instead of over the top? 1 week grounding? 2 weeks? Need some help here...