Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Justin Bieber Hospitalized for Limp Wrist Injury

   I'm all about three things, fast cars and bad counting.

   I didn't expect the friendzone to be so comfy.

   You can tell it's fall. I look like I'm searching for landmines when I'm looking for dog crap in my back yard under the leaves.......but alas, I found one with my shoe!!!!

   I maybe heaven sent but I can also bring hell

   Eggnog!.. The only b*tch I'm excited to hear back from after 9 months of absence."

   Beware the "filters on every selfie" woman.

   Have you ever wondered how long it would take for a giraffe to throw up?

   Ringing in the “New Year” apparently is not a valid excuse for showing up to work 3 hours late… in October.

   Facebook went from the Cartoon network to the New Zoo review

   "That's not what I said. What I said was, if you like your spam, you can eat your spam. Period."

   I love following women who write inspirational tweets because, you know...chubby girls.

   You're nothing without your health. Some people are nothing even with their health. I fall in that category, sometimes.

   Leonardo DiCaprio just won another Golden Globe award. But it ain't no Oscar.

   *horse walks into a bar... *horse walks into a bar... *horse walks into a bar... *horse walks into an optometrist...Horse: Will SOMEONE please help me?

   Don’t be afraid to be open-minded. Your brain isn’t going to fall out.

   Diarrhea is a trait in my family. It runs in our genes.

   A man mixed his wife's ashes with fireworks....so she could light up his life one last time.

   [pees all over your front porch]..... YOU'RE MY WIFE NOW.

   I work with a guy that wants to vote for Hillary (just so he can say he lived long enough to see a woman President. Wonder how many of you are out there with the same thoughts?