Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   there vodka in your pillow fort? Then no, I won't be attending

   right behind you. And you know who you are....

   It takes Canadian strippers 2 songs to get naked, because winter boots, parka, toque, scarf, mittens, long underwear, thermal undershirt....

   I really only realize what I'm missing by not having a relationship when I have to make my own sandwiches.

   My friend from Nakuru just called me & told me he's in hospital. Apparently he fell off a Yamaha. Why they ride keyboards there is beyond me.

   mom, dad. I like my women how I like my coffee "you dont like coffee son" dad i- "why dont you like coffee?" dad youre making this difficult

   quietly confident about his latest 'get rich quick' scheme

   Signs that you have no life: when you have nothing better to do than complain.

   We should get 600 rolls of toilet paper, and tp Trevor Hoffmans house...

   They call us the Febreze Brothers because we are so fresh!!

   People in jail cells shouldn't worry about having a facebook , because they're talking to walls as much as we are!

   is wondering on which day God created Justin Bieber... couldn't he have rested on that day too?

   every woman's pet and every man's regret.

   A STRESSOR AND AN APPETITE SUPPRESSANT, will help you lose weight!

   I didn't know NASCAR contracted IDOT to patch the racetracks! I knew the quality of that patch looked familiar

   I think the moonwalk should be part of the field sobriety test. Take away saying the alphabet backwards clause.

   I really wish I hadn't heard that, I would be so much happier not knowing.

   I feel for those straving kids when I see those feed the children commercials...But when they show those kids and the lil fly comes and lands on there heads its a lil over the top..Cuz I dont care how hungry you are you got enough energy to knock a fly aw

   sometimes you just have to like the judge and executioner dead in the face and tell them "no restraining order will keep me away!!!"

   I intend to live forever. So far, so good.