Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This has been the Hottet July in U.S. history! And not just because of ''Magic Mike'' and ''50 Shades of Grey'' temperatures have benn up also!!!

   Dragon flys those things no how to party ..flying around while having sex..oh yah.!

   No woman can ever be into you, unless with a strap-on.

   I met a girl at the bar and she said she wanted to suck on my foot. Had to tell her its not quite that big.

   Fourth place is the first to regret giving up booze and drugs for 4 years.

   I see all these different hairstyles come and go back and forth! Can ''Baldness'' have just one month.....say this September!!!

   Just as I suspected! Monday suxs!!!!

   Don't waste sweetness on someone that is bitter.

   There are 4 sides to every story. Yours, mine, the truth & the Internets version.

   Im on my FACEBREAK!!!! - definition - a week break from FACEBOOK

   will now destroy a little piece of everyone's childhood by pointing out that "The Banana Splits" were the ORIGINAL furries

   the sun can kiss the moon goodbye, a flower can kiss a butterfly, wine can kiss a frosted glass and you my friend can kiss my arse

   Never depend on someone or something to make you happy. For example, I was happy while eating the pizza but once it was finished I became sad and lonely.

   - You don't update your stat us much anymore. "I know" - Why? "I don't know" - Is everything alright? "Can't You Just Be Happy for Me!?"

   The police man in my area is so rude. So I'm speeding. What's the big deal? How I'm supposed to drive a stolen car?

   I saw an ad on craigslist today that said “free firewood,, you collect it”.. So I wrote the guy and said “Bud, you just wrote an ad for the woods”

   You know you had lack of sleep when you go to put a hot dog bun in the toaster instead of a bagel ..

   The Reality is: Nice and Decent is Boring. Girls want to be excited, thrilled, Led and still believe that their mate listens to them. Don't hate the players, work on your game.

   Tesco's veggie burgers are being tested for traces of unicorn.

   "I only took imaginary steroids." Lying Lance