Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't take this the wrong way, but putting your number on FB, asking people to 'invite' you on WhatsApp, has got to be on some world record level of DESPERATE

   *wake up from a horrible dream* (⊙﹏⊙)… *realize it was only a dream* (~￣▽￣)~

   There's something about you I don't like, but I can't seem to put my middle finger on it.

   I'm an Axe murderer. I'll murder anyone wearing or purchasing Axe body spray.

   I either need a new dentist or i'm just too far behind in the times. What does my Prostate have to do with oral hygiene???

   So Heat lost....In other News: Bosh was wondering why he only played 14minutes in a final's game? He may look like a raptor, but he didnt eat nobody yet......

   I'm not giving you the finger... I'm just giving you half the peace sign.

   Why is it called a sleepover?? Clearly, no one sleeps at a "sleepover". Due to this, I'm now renaming "sleepover" to "wakeover".

   I'm not saying you're boring, but my mind is break-dancing while you talk.

   CANCEL CANCEL CANCEL!! *Message Sends* Kill me now

   Katie Holmes issues statement after confirming reports that she and Tom Cruise are to divorce - "I'm so happy I could jump up and down on the couch!

   I'm thinking about calling child protective services on Mother Nature.

   What College did your "Smart phone" go to?

   The biggest problem we are facing today is caused by people who were born on third base, then act like they hit a home run when they cross home plate. Only those who hit the pitch can celebrate a home run!

   People in relationships are usually can cuddle but lonely people are like fml it's cold.

   I dont care if you are family... And we have 100 mutal friends...I still dont know who the hell you are...So dont send me a friend request!

   Can you imagine how different the story would have been if Fritz hadn't dropped the "normal" brain?

   attention!! there is a football team in the Dallas /Fort worth area, runs Bad, cant do reverse, have not found title in years. if intrested, pls contact owner who walk the side lines of Billion dollar house . no calls after regular season!

   The opinions of fools are generally foolish opinions

   not interested in a girl? tell her you're going through a horrific vesectomy process & you're really concentrating on that right now.